Frampton Comes Alive, Food, and Divorce.
My brother and I have lived 1800 miles apart since I was a sophomore in high school. It's been hard to live so far away from one of the few people on the planet who knows you better than anyone else.
Remember albums? Listening to a whole collection of songs, from A side to B? When's the last time you listened to Frampton Comes Alive?
My brother John is going through his CD collection and rediscovering the joy of listening to an entire album uninterrupted. Recently I was lucky enough to be there for this classic, and while we jammed to Frampton, I put together a little nosh, and played with a new app: Evernote Food.
Evernote Food is an app for your smartphone. On it, you can document a meal: dinner out with friends, a new gourmet recipe you're trying, or just hanging out with your bro, like I did here. Click to see our amazing meal of crackers and fresh midwestern cheese:
Our Dinner in the Woods
I think the idea of the Evernote Food app is to document more expertly-prepared food, but I used it just to document our time together. Which we don't have often enough.If you've read this post about my brother, you know that he was diagnosed with a brain tumor last December. He and I have lived 1800 miles apart since I was a sophomore in high school. It's been hard to live so far away from one of the few people on the planet who knows you better than anyone else.It's even harder when you know you should be spending more time with them, being a part of their everyday life; a regular face among their crowd of friends gathered for drinks on a Tuesday night for no good reason. You should be a part of that.When somebody in the group says, "Hey, remember that time we ___?" You should remember it because you should have been there. But you weren't because you wound up six states away, one of the cons of your parents divorce.If it sound like I'm a little bitter, I am. Divorce is just one of those things. When you're a kid and it happens, you just have to make the best of it, like this scene from Talladega Nights:But as you get older, and are raising your own family, you begin to think of the decisions your parents made. Right around the time your kids get to be the same age you were when your own parents split up, you start looking at the situation with new eyes.You think, Would I have made the same decision? Would I have done things differently? Would I have split up my family?I don't know. It's over 30 years ago for our family, and the repercussions still echo. At least they do for me and John. It's hard. I mean, when you see people together who are obviously miserable, but are keeping it together "for the kids" sometimes you just want to tell them, oh give up already!But then you see those same kids at the airport, with their backpacks and boarding passes, off to see their other parent. The one they don't live with. The one who carries pictures in their wallet and shows the ladies at church or the guys at the work, "Here's my kid," in a wistful sort of I-wish-I-was-picking-him-up-at-the-schoolbus-stop-instead-of-the-airport sort of way.And you wonder: If this parent knew how it would be, would they re-think that divorce? Probably not. I know in our case it would not have been different. But I just wonder sometimes. It's hard not to. Wonder, I mean.So John and I will do what we've done for so long, and continue to make the best of it. We will visit whenever we can. And unlike some siblings who've been able to grow up together and as adults, do nothing but fight with each other, we cherish our time together. We eat cheese and apples and double-dipped chocolate malted milk balls and call each other disgusting names and rock out. To Frampton.http://youtu.be/DON-4ZubYbgWhat's YOUR favorite listen-all-the-way-through album? John can add it to his list - Leave it in the comments section below.
Get this App - Clearly
Distraction-free reading. It's a Good Thing.
I've been playing around with some apps lately, and I came across one I have to recommend: Clearly by Evernote. I'll be getting more into Evernote in another post, but for now, check out
Clearly
I wasn't too sure about it at first and was hesitant to try it since I don't like to clutter up my mac with things I don't need. But it's so simple and beautiful. here's what clearly does.
It will take a webpage that looks like this:
And make it look like this:
No Clutter, no flashing ads. Easy-to-read content.
And all it takes is putting a little extension button in your browser bar:
So easy. Try it! Your eyes will thank you.Disclosure: I receive NOTHING from Evernote or Clearly. These are just my own un-paid recommendations. If you work for Evernote and want to send me presents, that would be awesome.:)
Meet the Writer - Anne Tibbets
An author interview on the craft of writing, with YA writer Anne Tibbets.
An author interview on the craft of writing.
Featured Writer: Anne Tibbets
Book: Shut Up, contemporary YA fiction (more info below)
Buy it:
Intro, from Heidi:
As a new writer, one of the best how-to-be-a-writer sources I found is a fabulous series of author interviews by Steve Bertrand from WGN radio in Chicago. The podcast, Meet the Writers, is sponsored by Barnes & Noble and is available as a free download on iTunes. There is a hefty archive and if you are curious about the art of writing, I highly recommend a listen.Inspired by Steve, and by my writer friends who are newly published, I thought I'd offer a "New Author" interview platform. Most of the authors that get on Steve's show have already done pretty well for themselves, but what about the newbies? The writers that have been dog-earing copies of The Writer's Market, attending conferences, furiously editing and revising, and telling their critique partners, "I owe you one"?And then, after all of the hard work, time, and countless pots of coffee, these writers finally nab that agent or editor. Something clicked! They got a YES! How exciting!!! Now the real work begins. They have to sell. This is quite possibly the hardest part, and why, if you know anyone who's ever written a book, you should buy a copy, if only to be supportive.Because I see firsthand how tough it is to get started, and because there are still so many of us trying to reach that first step into publication, I want to give my friends the opportunity to tell their stories. I'm being selfish, too, because this is also a way for me to learn all of their secrets...Muah ha ha ha!!So, for our very first Meet the New Writer, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Anne Tibbets. If you are a regular reader, you've heard me mention her before (we go back). She's an amazing writer, and—take note—has done an amazing job of using blogging, book bloggers, and social media to self-market her books.
Anne Tibbets:
On craft:
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How old were you when you started writing?
I started writing professionally in my twenties, although my earliest memory of writing was back in elementary school. After I had graduated college with a degree in Theater, which is pretty useless in the “real world,” I decided I had done enough starving in college and had no desire to be a “starving artist,” so I moved to Los Angeles with the intent on becoming a screenwriter. From what I’d heard, they actually made money. I took odd jobs as secretaries and assistants, even a Page on The Price is Right at one point, and read books on screenwriting, took classes at UCLA Extension, and wrote and wrote and wrote. Nothing I wrote on spec sold. Not a one. Eventually, after years of working in “the biz” I was hired as a writer’s assistant on a syndicated action hour and through the contacts I made there I sold a few scripts. Soon thereafter I had children, and with their arrival I put my screenwriting career on permanent hold and after suffering through the first few years of toddler-hood, I tried my hat at writing children’s books, and through a lot of trial and error, eventually settled on Young Adult.
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Where do you write?
I have a desk in a downstairs bedroom in my house that we have deemed “The Office.” I’ve tried writing elsewhere but it doesn’t work well. I am determined to learn how to write while in public. But, it takes practice.
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When do you write?
I do the bulk of my writing during the months of September through June while my kids are in school. From 9 am until I can’t take it anymore, or 2:45 pm, whichever comes first. During the summer months I work when the kids are at day camp and even hire a babysitter once a week to give me just a few hours of writing time, but they aren’t in camp every week so it’s very sporadic – I find if I don’t write, however, I go batty. Summer is a very cranky time for me.
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What helps you write – music, pictures, maps, journals, etc, - what gets you into that mindset?
I wish I had a magic formula that works every time that would put me into the mindset to write, but I don’t. I have Attention Deficit Disorder so the moment I find one thing that works I tend to get bored of it pretty quickly, so I’m forever trying new ways to creatively stimulate my mind. I read a lot. Almost constantly. I listen to various kinds of music and will search for a “theme song” for each of the books I write. I find it helps to keep me grounded in the emotional tone of the piece.For Fantasy books I create maps and write out battle plans using chess pieces to signify characters so I can keep track of where they are during the battle, and I blog quite a bit about the process, as I am always trying to learn from my numerous mistakes. I’ve tried just about everything, but the #1 thing that keeps me focused is coffee. Lots of coffee, with flavored creamer and about a bucket full of sugar.
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What are some things that stand in your way? Logistically as well as creatively?
This is going to sound horrible, so I apologize in advance to my offspring, but my kids are my #1 obstacle to writing. They sap my energy, they try my patience, they interrupt me every 6 minutes (I actually timed it one summer), and they demand my attention – it’s their job and they’re doing a bang up job of it. However, if I didn’t have my kids I can’t say I would feel as powerfully as I do about my work, so it balances out. A lack of time is my primary nemesis, and my secondary nemesis is my own distracted self. I lack focus at times and this bites me in the butt constantly.
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What do you do when you “hit a wall?”
There are many writers out there that insist that in order to be at your peak you must write every day, even if it’s only a few words. In my mind, writing every day is a recipe for burnout. When I hit a wall, I take a few days off. Sometimes, I’ll even take a week off. I live life, I catch up on housework, I pay attention to my family, I regroup – and then, in a week or few days (depending), I start to feel recharged and I’m ready to go back to writing. It works for me. Forcing myself to write when I am so over it only leads to crappy writing and a lot of revision later, so it’s really best for me just to walk away and come back when I’m ready.
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Do you use an outline – do you know exactly how the arc will play out – or do you just let the story develop as you write? If so, how do you outline? (notecards, etc.)
I always outline. Always. If I didn’t, I would have a hard time keeping on track, and that’s the truth. I rather admire writers who can just sit down and let the story unfold but I need more focus than that to keep me grounded. I usually use bullet points - this happens, then this happens, then this happens – I keep track of plot and character arcs. But it occurs quite a few times while I’m writing that I realize there’s a “hole” in the outline where something is supposed to happen and there isn’t enough build up to it, or as I’m writing I realize it needs to go in a different direction, or that the character is supposed to be a nervous wreck by now and she’s only slightly bothered. In that case, I’ll go back to the outline and rework it to see if the change fits with my original intention. If it doesn’t, then I tend to stick to the outline. It’s my lifeline, but it’s bendable.
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How do you draft/revise? (ie. Do you just get it out in one big “dump,” then revise, revise, revise, or do you revise and edit as you go?)
I’ve tried this both ways. I’ve dumped an entire book out in one draft, and spent the next year revising it. Others I have written a scene, revised, written another scene, revised both scenes, and then on and on. I have yet to determine a solid structure with this. It honestly depends on how it’s flowing. First thing I do when I have time to write is I will try to work on new scenes, but if I find I’m stuck with the “dumping” process I’ll spend my writing time revising what I’ve got. That’s just how I roll.
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What are some tools that you use? (reference guides, manuals, websites – a favorite pen/notebook/computer?)
On my desk sit my favorite computer, an old Mac laptop that overheats if I don’t use my cooling tray, my thesaurus, a dictionary, and a “word” book that lists every word in the English language. (Psst, there are times when I’m like – “What’s that word, it starts with a ‘ste’…?” and I have to look it up!). I Google a lot, I search the internet, I watch video clips on YouTube and I cruise book stores and Amazon.com for reference material. And lately I’ve been trying a recording of a waterfall turned up so loud I can’t hear anything else, but the jury is still out on that particular tool.
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Do you use critique groups? How did you find them?
I have two YA writer buddies that are kind enough to read my work, when they have time. They give awesome notes, and I try to do the same for them. Although that is technically a “Writers Group,” we are not organized, have no regular meeting times, or “rules,” so we don’t call ourselves a “group.” We meet socially every now and then to shoot the breeze, and attend writer’s events together. We met through SCBWI, which, if you are a children’s writer, you MUST join, it’s completely invaluable.
On your current project:
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What was your inspiration for this book?
Shut Up came to me while I was working on a YA Fantasy. There was a crisis in my family and it called to mind several unpleasant memories that I had buried in the back of my brain from my childhood. They haunted me for days. In an effort to purge them, I wrote them down and put them away, but my mind would not let them go. So I wrote down a few more, then a few more, then a whole lot of them. Then I realized I had the outline of a book, but the memories by themselves were not solid enough to be an entire book, so I tweaked, twisted, warped and fictionalized it, and from that I ended up with the manuscript for Shut Up.
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What kind of research did you do for this book? And, were you surprised by something that you learned in your research?
Since Shut Up was based on my childhood, there wasn’t much in the way of research that I had to do. I was there, and I knew most of what happened. What I didn’t know, I would call my mother and ask her about. However, after I had changed the book significantly I came to realize the characters had lives of their own and the main character was deeply depressed and suicidal, so I researched childhood depression, the treatment of it, and how the symptoms manifested. If I was surprised by anything it was the fact that even though my mother knew I was writing a book about my childhood, she still answered my questions.
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How did it feel to write that last line?
I had a horrible time working on this book. I wish I could say it wasn’t, but the subject matter of depression, is well, depressing. I’d work for three weeks, stop a few weeks, and work again. My emotions were all over the place and I often needed alone time to remind myself that I wasn’t Mary, the main character. So, when I wrote that last line on the last revision on that last day, I cried with relief.
On the business of publishing:
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How did you find your agent/editor?
I found my agent the old fashioned way. I wrote a book and I researched agents, and then I queried her. She did not respond right away, but several months later, at which point she sent me a list of her notes on my manuscript and an offer of representation. I loved her notes so much, and we got along so well on the phone, I accepted. I am lucky to have her, her name is Bree Ogden and she’s at D4EO Literary, and she’s an absolute doll.
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Has self-publishing shaped your career as a writer? What is your opinion of self-publishing?
This is a double-edged sword. I know that if I hadn’t published Shut Up and my YA Fantasy The Beast Call with Premier Digital Publishing, which is in essence, a company that assists authors with self-publication, those books never would have gotten published at all otherwise, given that I had broken so many industry rules. So, I wouldn’t have a career at all if I hadn’t done that. However, getting the recognition in self-publishing is very, very difficult, especially now that anyone can self-publish.The market is flooded with tons of manuscripts and no matter how good, or bad, no one can voice an opinion about your work if they don’t even know it’s there. Self-publishing isn’t hard, it’s getting the word out that’s hard. And despite my 2,000+ followers on Facebook, and my 1,200+ followers on Twitter and my 13,000 hits on my blog – my sales figures continue to barely exist. So, I’m a little bitter sweet when it comes to self-publishing, at the moment. As of now, I have not made back my investment, but there are a number of self-published authors who have.
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What can you share with our readers about marketing? (ie. What, if any, support did you have from your publisher? Costs involved? Things that worked best/weren’t worth it, etc.)
When I published The Beast Call and later Shut Up with Premier Digital Publishing, the most marketing support I received was a blog post on the publisher website announcing the book release, and a Tweet. That was all. Every expense, every free copy sent to bloggers and reviewers, my PR firm, my press release, my blog hops, my giveaways, my advertisements on Facebook, JacketFlap and GoodReads, I paid for completely myself. For a small digital and Print-on-Demand publisher, this is not abnormal.The best things that worked (for me) were the blog hops. If you are an author and you are invited to participate in a blog hop – do! Make the time. GoodReads ads are also cheap and effective, whereas Facebook ads will get you ‘Liked’ but does not generate sales. Twitter is fun but not an effective marketing tool unless you are attempting to drum up attention amongst the book blogging community. The only thing I haven’t tried is purchasing print ads in newspapers and magazines, and only because it is very expensive.
About You:
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What is a trick that you’ve learned along the way that has made the writing process easier?
There’s a trick to make it easier? Ha! When you figure it out will you tell me? The only “trick” I can think of is to write something you love. If you are only writing a certain story because you think it will be popular and sell lots of books then you will get creatively blocked and have a hard time writing the book. Write a story you love, and it flows easier. At least, it does for me.
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What writers inspire you?
This is going to sound smug and a little stuck up, but my answer is, “not many.” I’m not the kind of person who buys into the ‘celebrity’ aspect of the business. Yes, I loved the Harry Potter series and I think J.K. Rowling is an awesome writer, and would I like to sit with her and have a conversation about process, absolutely! But, would I ask for her autograph and take my picture with her? Probably not. It seems like an awful invasion of her personal space and she’s just a human being, like the rest of us. I positively LOVED The Book Thief, but if I met Markus Zusak, I don’t think I’d turn to jelly. I love his work, not him.So, I guess what my answer is, the books I find inspiring are Persuasion by Jane Austen, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield, and The Dark Elf Trilogy by R.A. Salvatore. If I can’t find a good book to read, I revert back to these, because they are just so incredibly crafted, I aspire to write something half as good.
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What do you like to read for enjoyment?
I go on genre benders. For a while, I was reading only Sci-Fi, then I moved on to Historical Mysteries, then I would hit all the YA Dystopians, and then move on to High Fantasy. I read almost anything, although I must admit, I don’t find biographies or military books that interesting.
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We all know learning from our mistakes is part of the process of becoming who we are as a writer. What’s one lesson you’ve learned that you would like to pass on to others?
I have been fortunate enough to have received this advice before it could have backfired on me, so I’m passing it along to you in the hopes it will prevent a great catastrophe in yours. The advice: Don’t respond to reviews. A good one, or a bad one. Say no more than ‘thank you’ (unless you are personally friends with the reviewer, and even then I don’t advise it). Don’t do it. You’ll want to. Believe me. But it does nothing but fuel bad publicity and creates terrible author backlash, and no matter if the reviewer was unprofessional, totally missed the plot of your book, or was just a raving a-hole, the one who comes out dirty on the other end is ALWAYS the author.There are a group of penguins in the movie ‘Madagascar’ who are trying to escape the zoo, but they must make the appearance before the zoo crowd and when they do, the Captain penguin always tells his crew, “Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.” And I expect the same from you. “Smile, and wave.” So zip your lip, I mean it!
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What’s next for you?
I have a Social Sci-Fi awaiting approval from my agent and will soon be submitted to traditional publishing editors. I hope to have news within six months. We will see. In the meantime I am working on a YA Horror and having a great time scaring my own pants off.
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and finally...What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen online lately?
Anne Tibbets Online:
- blog: Will Write for Coffee
- twitter: @writeforcoffee
- A post Anne wrote on how she got her agent, including a look at her successful query letter. Great info!
Bree Ogden:
- blog: This Literary Life
- twitter: @breeogden
- agency bio: D4EO Literary Agency
- formspring
Fell free to keep the conversation going in the comment box below. Thanks for reading.
Really Good Pizza
For a home cook who's still trying to figure things out, it's pretty damn good. And you know what? We never have leftovers...And if you ever say YUMMO around me, I will slap you.
This is my Grandma G, circa 1970-something. You can tell it was 1970-something because of the way she's rocking that paisley dress, and by my Uncle Tom's sideburns in the background. Check out his sweater vest.
My cousins and my kids call her Nonna, her name is Lena (short for Angelena), but my brother and I have always known her as Grandma G. She was born in Chicago to immigrant parents, and didn't speak a word of English when she got to school. She said all the kids made fun of her and called her stupid and dirty and that's why, when my dad, aunt & uncle were little, she only allowed them to speak English. And that's why I don't know Italian. So don't make fun of people just because they don't speak the same language as you. It's mean and ignorant.Now, anyone who knows my grandma also knows that she used to make the best pizza on the planet. It's a fact. It's also a fact that no one is able to duplicate it. She has taught me so much about cooking over the years, and has even tried to teach me how to make pizza. And I tried. I really did. But I have come to this place in my life where I am accepting my limitations, one of them being I will never be able to make Grandma G's pizza. At least not like she does.And, believe me, it's not because she had some recipe hold-out. You know these cooks. There are some who will simply not share a recipe, or, if they do they leave out some secret ingredient or step, so that no one will be able to make whatever-it-is as good as they can. Grandma isn't like that, and neither am I. We like to share. We're nice people that way.Grandma G's pizza is made in a pan. You spread olive oil in the pan, stretch the dough out and add your ingredients—in a decorative and properly spaced fashion, so that each bite will get you something yummy. Here is a pretty good attempt, but still not quite the same:
This is a recipe I found online. The woman does a video tutorial and is just so...grandma-ish. You'll love her. Here's a link: MaryAhearn.com; John's favorite pizza.My grandma used to do this thing where, when the pizza was almost done, she would slide the whole thing out of the pan, right onto the oven rack, to make the crust crispy. I tried to do that once. It was a disaster. Don't ask.I think part of the problem, and this was Grandma's idea, is that the water here in the desert is different than it is in the Midwest. That and the whole humidity thing. Back in Chicago, you can make your dough early, let it rise, punch it down and let it rise again, form it into whatever bread or pizza you are making and then let it rise AGAIN before baking. Here, the triple-rise kills the dough. Or at least it does when I do it. I'm not a professional by any means, but I've been playing around with this whole dough situation for going on 20 years now.
So I kind of gave up on trying to make Grandma's pizza, and went about how to make Heidi pizza. My inspiration came from the 2nd-best pizza on the planet: Red's Tavern in Harvard, Illinois. Bonnie (Red's wife) makes her pizza sooooo thin, it's like a crispy cracker. And its just soooooo yummy. I tried many, many times to make a crispy-cracker-thin pizza that was still yummy, and...I failed, many times. Until...
UNTIL...I found this magazine:
Forget the pie. If you find this issue in a yard sale or library bin, GRAB IT! It has the best pizza recipe EVER, and it's EASY! Better yet, here's the link: Fine Cooking Create Your Own Pizza Oh my gosh, you are going to love it, you are going to Thank me, so I will just say you're welcome now: You're Welcome.Their recipe is a "Create Your Own." They give you options, based on your personal tastes, and you make the pizza however you want. Here's the skinny on the crispy-thin crust, from my experience.
The dough:
- 1 ¾ Cup warm, not hot water (100℉)
- 1 Tbsp. Olive Oil (yes, EXTRA VIRGIN*) he he that olive oil is inexperienced.
- 2 tsp. kosher salt
- 1 ½ tsp. yeast (I just use a whole packet, which is 2 tsp., works fine.)
- 1 ½ tsp. sugar
- 4 ½ C. all-purpose flour (OK, here's where the dry air makes a diff. I had to cut this down to 4 cups)
Stir the salt, sugar and olive oil into the water, then sprinkle in the yeast, then—and this is the fun part—you can just dump all the flour in at once, and stir it up with a wooden spoon. Look gooey? Good. It's supposed to. Now cover loosely with plastic wrap (you can spray it with non-stick stuff so it doesn't stick to the dough later but no biggie). Let rise for 2 hours. OMG are you in a hurry? yeah, no sweat, this will work even if it doesn't rise that long. I've even made it right before I started cooking and it was fine. Doesn't get as bubbly and stuff, but it's still pizza. Get over it.The dough will rise and fall on its own, no need to punch it down. Then you can refrigerate before using, but again, you don't have to. (Do you get the feeling that I'm a make-it-at-the-last-minute kind of gal?) The dough keeps well in the fridge and, truth be told, it's even a little better after a day or two.
The Sauce:
- 1 28 oz. can of peeled tomatoes in juice (San Marzano style if you can get 'em, if not, just get the store brand)
Pulse tomatoes in a food processor—or right in the can, using a stick blender—and the dump in a saucepan and bring to a simmer. Reduce heat and maintain simmer, stirring occasionally for about 40 minutes til tomatoes are reduced, and super yummy. You can use the tomatoes that have the basil with them, it comes out pretty yummy.
"But Heidi, why do I have to use whole tomatoes and then dirty up my food processor? Can't I just buy puréed tomatoes and call it a day?"
Yeah, if you're a total wuss, and you don't like good pizza. I mean, why do you have a food processor to begin with? To make f*cking better food, that's why. Just man up and do it the right way.
The stuff:
You can put Whatever You Want on your pizza!! YAY!!
Really, you can put whatever you want on your pizza. I like good ol' cheese and sausage, some onions, maybe mushrooms. Just remember, with a thin crust you can't load it up too heavy or the dough will get weighed down, and won't slide off your pizza peel. Which leads me to...
The Technique:
- flour
- rolling pin
- corn meal
- pizza peel (the wooden paddle)
- pizza stone
First, place your pizza stone in the oven and heat to 450°. You don't need an expensive stone. I got mine at Big Lots for 10 bucks. First time you use it, you have to heat it gradually—start the oven at 350, then work in increments until you can heat it to 450° for half an hour or so, the hotter the better. (Read the directions that come with your stone.)
Ok, so you have your gooey dough. Grab a handful, about the size of a peach. Place it on your floured counter, and you will probably have to pat it down into a little circle, just like when you were a kid and played with your play-doh. Sprinkle more flour as needed, then roll out the dough with your rolling pin. Keep rolling and flipping your dough over, until it is super thin. You want to make sure to flip it over and move it around, adding flour as needed or it will stick to the counter.When your dough is about ⅛ inch thick or less, transfer it to your pizza peel which you have GENEROUSLY dusted with cornmeal. The cornmeal acts as a slider for the dough so it won't stick to the peel. Then you put your toppings on. Sauce, cheese, and whatever else. Don't put your toppings on before you have your crust on the peel!! You will have to just throw it all in the garbage.
This is what happens when you don't have enough cornmeal, or part of the peel gets a little olive oil on it:
But we cooked it anyway, and even though it looked goofy, it still tasted good!
The pizza will take about 12-15 minutes to get nice & crispy. I will say, it's still not as thin and cracker-y as Bonnie's, or my brother's favorite (and possibly a contender for best pizza ever): Pizza Bella in Palatine, Il., but, for a home cook who's still trying to figure things out, it's pretty damn good. And you know what? We never have leftovers.I'll be going to visit Grandma G. next week. She just turned 92! Here is a picture of her in her wedding dress:
And me in the same dress, 50 years later:
She's an awesome lady. If you have access to a grandma, I highly recommend giving her a hug and thanking her for everything she did. Because I'm sure you don't even know the half of it.If I get my act together and can do it on a day when I don't look like shit, I will have my kids video me making this so you can see the whole process. Until then, if you have any questions, leave them in the comments and I will be happy to be your pizza Dear Abby.
*about olive oil: don't call it E.V.O.O. Rachael Ray has some good recipes, and seems like a cool person but she bugs the shit out of me. And if you ever say YUMMO around me, I will slap you.
Comment! Comment! Comment!
50 Shades of Grey - Why Readers Will Love It and Writers Will Hate It
I always believed that if you started a book, you had to finish it. Giving up was for pansies.
I first heard of 50 Shades of Grey when one of my customers asked for it, before it had even been released. The book and its sequels, 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed, have been the biggest literary blockbusters since Harry Potter or Twilight, pushing sales upwards of (reportedly) 10 million copies in six weeks. Since its release, I've had a difficult time keeping copies in stock at the grocery store where I merchandise books, and every week, for every one that sells, more and more copies come in.
As the hype grew, so did my curiosity. I had to see what all the fuss was about, so I picked up a copy, along with a young adult fantasy novel as backup. Good thing I got the backup. I can usually tell if I'm going to like a book as soon as I read the first page. Right away, 50 Shades had me rolling my eyes, much like its main character, Anastasia Steele does, a reported 41 times throughout the book with her cohort, Christian Grey.Why readers will love it:
- Cinderella-familiar storyline (regular girl meets extraordinary boy who sweeps her off her feet and showers her with expensive things);
- Easy plot & characters to follow. You don't need to hold a timeline of events & a roster in your head like you had to do with The Millennium Series;
- Why, the sex, of course!
Why Writers will hate it:
- It's an easy read—a little too easy. Nothing flows, It doesn't take you away to another place. More like this happened and then that happened and here's what I was wearing, and OMG he is so HOT!!
- It is rife with repetition. If I had to read one more time how she bit her lip or how his pants hang on his hips just so, or how they call each other by their surnames ("Miss Steele;" "Mr. Grey")...I'm tempted to get out my red pen and edit my own paperback copy, just for the hell of it.
- It is rife with two amateur writing mistakes: 1. adverbs—tons of them—which is a rookie error, usually caught by an editor; and 2. Cliché: the aforementioned Cinderella-esque storyline, punctuated by scenes stolen from Pretty Woman (the bathtub scene; the piano scene). And I'm not the only one who noticed. See this article at The Daily Beast for more.
- keep reading for the #1 reason writers will hate 50 Shades of Grey.
In fact, if I were describing it to someone I'd say it's like Pretty Woman or Cinderella, only Prince Charming is into kinky sex. Really kinky sex. And OMG, he's really hot.I must admit, I got drawn into the steamy scenes—you'd have to be a eunuch not to. But I would find myself halfway through the page saying, "wait, what? That just doesn't happen..." I mean you have to give her props for imagination, but a lot of it just doesn't play realistically. I could go into gory detail, but it would cause major spoilers, and would be a bit TMI, even for me. (Seriously, how many of you out there had multiple O's your first time? Guys, put your hands down.)And—disclosure—I didn't even finish the book. I tried, but I kept getting so frustrated. Not that kind of frustrated either. One of the main things that bothered me is that here you have this main character who is supposed to be a smart, intellectual woman—however young and sexually inexperienced—making really stupid decisions. Dan Brown does the same thing in his books; writes these incredibly intelligent women, who for whatever reason can't seem to do anything for themselves until the dashing Professor Langdon sweeps in to save the day.
Now, I have to say, pretty much my entire life, if I picked up a book and started reading it, that meant I would be reading it 'til the very end, no matter what. I have no idea where I came up with this philosophy. Probably some sort of teacher-infused guilt, or Norwegian stubbornness from somewhere along the line, but I always believed that if you started a book, you HAD TO FINISH IT.But I've gotten to the point in my life where I've decided not to waste my time trying to read a book I don't like. There are SO many books out there that I would like to read. Why sit and stew and turn pages that frustrate the hell out of you, one after the other, when there is a whole pile of books on your nightstand, just begging for their spines to be cracked?
At the same time I bought 50 Shades, I also picked up a YA softcover by Kristin Cashore, called Fire. Not that I needed any new books—I have a ton on my shelves that I still haven't gotten to yet (like that's ever stopped me from buying a book). But when I got so frustrated with Miss Steele and Mr. Gray, I picked up Fire, just to take a peek.And that's when I realized I didn't need to read all about the Steele/Gray tryst. Because the other book was so. much. better. And it has nothing to do with genre (50 Shades is adult contemporary erotica fiction; Fire is young adult fantasy fiction), it's all about the quality of the writing. See for yourself in the following excerpts (no spoilers):
Excerpt from 5o Shades of Grey, by E.L. James:
"Ready?" he asks. I nod and want to say, For anything, but I can't articulate the words as I'm too nervous, too excited."Taylor." he nods curtly at his driver, and we head into the building, straight to a set of elevators. Elevator! The memory of our kiss this morning comes back to haunt me. I have thought of nothing else all day, daydreaming at the register at Clayton's. Twice Mr. Clayton had to shout my name to bring me back to Earth. To say I've been distracted would be the understatement of the year. Christian glances down at me, a slight smile on his lips. Ha! He's thinking about it.too."It's only three floors," he says dryly, his eyes dancing with amusement. He's telepathic, surely. It's spooky.
Three adverbs! Really? In little more than one paragraph?! Who edited this?? Okay, Heidi, don't sweat the small stuff, don't sweat the small stuff...
Excerpt from Fire, by Kristin Cashore:
It had been easy once, taking Archer into her bed; not so long ago it had been simple. And then, somehow the balance had tipped between them. The marriage proposals, the lovesickness. More and more, the simplest thing was to say no.She would answer him gently. She turned to him and held out her hand. He stood and came to her."I must change into riding clothes and pull a few more things together," she said. "We'll say our goodbyes now. You must go down and tell the prince I'm coming."He stared at his shoes and then into her face, understanding her. He tugged at her headscarf until it slid away and her hair fell around her shoulders. He collected her hair in one hand, bent his face to it, kissed it. He pulled Fire to him and kissed her neck and her mouth, so that her body was left wishing that her mind were not so stingy. Then he broke away and turned to the door, his face the picture of unhappiness.
Now, I'm sorry, but that is some good f*ing writing. Where James over-explains and over-punctuates her character's every thought, lip-bite and groin-pull, Cashore paints a picture for you to observe from a distance, the characters explaining how they feel with their actions. Kind of goes back to the old "show, don't tell" lesson I learned from my library critique group.Okay, okay, so who am I? Right? Who am I to be sitting up here on my high horse, critiquing something that has been so lightning-in-a-bottle successful?
I don't want to knock Ms. James. I don't want to sound as if I think I'm somehow better, or above. I mean, not only did she finish her book, but two more, got them published and is now enjoying great prosperity because of it. I say, good for her! I can't even finish one book, and I'm embarrassed to tell you how long I've been working on it (or not working on it, as the case may be. That's at least part of my problem). And she seems like a pretty cool person. My biggest admiration for her lies in the fact that she negotiated complete control when she sold her movie rights. Now that's a genius, ballsy move. I bow humbly to that. I wonder if she whipped out some handcuffs when talking to Universal, and gave them a little spanking? ;)I wish her all the success in the world. I mean, she's kind of a Cinderella story herself, isn't she? It's a great inspiration to the rest of us schlubs hacking away at our blogs, adding to our page counts and red-penning our own manuscripts. It's proof that with a little talent, and a whole lot of determination, anyone can make it happen. You know what they say, the most successful writers aren't necessarily the best, they are just the ones who didn't quit.And as to that #1 reason writers will hate 50 Shades of Grey? Like most other things creatives hate:
They didn't think of it first.
So...did you read it, or are you avoiding it on principle? Did you love it? Hate it? Read it while hiding in the ladies room? :) Please, let your voice be heard! Converse! Click reply (below).