I like: Creative Writing #2; Show, Don't Tell

Many of you writers out there have heard the critique, "Show, don't tell?" Upon hearing this cryptic comment did you say to yourself What the hell is that supposed to mean?Telling vs. Showing

Photo: Declan McCullagh

Telling:

The cathedral was very big and beautiful on the inside. There was a lot of light.

Showing:

Upon entering the grand space, my footsteps echoed on the smooth marble. Rays of colored sunlight criss-crossed the aisle that lay ahead of me, specks of dust glinting and twisting in the soft current. Compelled to raise my eyes to the view above, I was rewarded with a vision of perfect architecture. Ancient beams and arches met each other in precise symmetry, and hand-leaded mosaics of tinted glass told the stories of the saints. My breath caught in my throat.

Do you see the difference? In telling, your voice is more passive, and you'll notice a lot of was-es. One of the very first things I learned from my mentor is to "get rid of those was-es." It was hard! :) But now I notice that when I take out a was and replace it with more showing, it makes my story better. It's also one of the first things I notice when I'm reading others' work. You have no idea how prevalent the passive voice is in some of today's best-selling novels. It can be depressing to read something that has been published, and is selling well, and realize that, while maybe you couldn't have written it better, the writer could have benefitted from a tighter edit.Anyway, I'm not here to preach, I'm here to teach. The next time you write a page, get your red pen, and circle all of your was-es. Make it a challenge to see how many you can get rid of−it's not easy, but it will make your writing shine.Here is my creative writing exercise from a "show, don't tell" session. (Warning: explicit language.)Telling:

Peter shined his shoes, went to work and got fired.

Showing:

"Aw, f*ck," exhaled Peter as he realized he'd just spilt coffee on his newly polished Giorgio Armanis. His $1700.00 Giorgio Armanis. And it couldn't be black coffee, no−that would be too easy. He'd just gotten it to the exact mixture of cream and sugar to make it taste perfect. He looked at his watch and took another quick sip of coffee, being careful not to spill it this time before he set it down. Checking his watch again, he hopped down the hall while slipping the Italian leather loafer from his heel and reached for an old towel in the closet. "God damn it," he swore as he tried to soak the sugary coffee out of the impeccable hand stitching, "Now I'm gonna be late."And late he was. Hoping to avoid getting noticed as he exited the elevator, Peter tried to camouflage himself behind the heavy-set lady from accounting, the one with the big hair. But as he made the turn to head to his office of course he had to run into the firm's senior partner, Jack Mayhoffer (he he), and of course, in the process of stopping short, spilled coffee on Mr. Mayhoffer's silk tie. The tie that his late wife had given him on their last anniversary."Oh shit," said Peter.

See the difference? Now, my showing paragraph is an un-edited 15 minute exercise. Though rife with swear words, and an inside joke, it does much more than say "Peter shined his shoes, went to work and got fired."Next time your writing seems to be lacking a little something, try showing what is happening around your characters, and how they react.Don't just tell your reader what happened, show them.More great writing tips:Ingrid SundbergThe Purple CrayonJennifer J. StewartJill Corcoran 

I Like: Music

Don't worry, I will get back to the name game, but I wanted to introduce a new category on my blog:I Like.Things I saw, read, heard, tasted or clicked, and liked enough to pass it on.Check it out:

If you're one of the few people who've never heard Adele's Rolling in the Deep, take a listen. It only takes one time to love it. It's infectious.

http://assets.mixpod.com/swf/mp3/mixpod.swfNow meet this same song, remixed three ways:http://assets.mixpod.com/swf/mp3/mixpod.swfRolling In The Deep (Ben Samples Remix) from ThisSongIsSick.comGreat version if you are having a party with lots of people, a real house-crusher that you see in teen movies where the sole goal is losing your virginity - that type of party - but the cast is a little older, and a little more cosmopolitan-cool, and most of them have already gotten laid. Put this song on and turn it up LOUD. Awesome pop-dub-techno track. No one will get bored listening to this thumper. The girls closest to the stero will be grooving their hips in that way when you just cant help moving your body, so you just pop a few beats out while engaging in casual conversation, and flip your hair a little. So, put the cuties by the speakers. (free download)http://assets.mixpod.com/swf/mp3/mixpod.swfRolling In The Deep - Mike Posner from freshnewtracks.comSame party, about four hours later, half the people have gone home. Only the cool kids are left. Everyone's relaxed, mellow, and getting acquainted. This track features a male voice singing the song. You're picturing him, some mellow dude hanging out on the old corduroy couch in the basement, flipping through your mom's old collection of vinyl LP's, he's got the headphones on, listening to Adele and singing along. Everyone else in the world sounds like crap when they sing along to the radio - I'm slightly worse than Julia Roberts singing Kiss. But this guy is the exception, giving a smooth, flavored feel to the song, with a really great backbeat. Again, play it loud. The kind of loud where you have to lean in a little to hear the person across from you. (free download)http://assets.mixpod.com/swf/mp3/mixpod.swfRolling In The Deep (Avicii Remix) from freshnewtracks.comThe house music version. High heels & short skirts, strobe lights & fog. This is the one you'd expect to hear in one of those clubs in Vegas where you have to wait in line for 2 hours to get in, the music is so loud you can't think straight, and a trip to the ladies' room involves serpentining your way through the sweaty, bouncing crowd. And you love every minute of it.Now go dance your ass off. Even if you've never been to Vegas; if the closest you'll get to high heels & short skirts is chore boots and your old Levi's, if the last time you were at a house party was 25 years and three kids ago, turn it up & get the living room floor dirty. Dance around the kitchen and sing into your spatula.I have to give credit to my son for finding each of these versions. He's music crazy and finds all the remixes before I've even heard the original. He's pretty awesome.http://www.adele.tv/www.freshnewtracks.comhttp://thissongissick.comDisclosure: This is not a paid endorsement, just stuff I think is cool.